To forgive does not come natural to me. When I get hurt, I would rather hurt back, and yes, the cycle would continue. To break the cycle, I always again feel challenged by God to forgive. To forgive does mean to be set free from that particular bondage, from painful situations or people which otherwise would hold power over me.
Does it work fast and once for all? Sadly not. But with the help of Jesus who forgives me to forgive others, I am working on it. Constantly!
About 20 years ago I was asked to leave a church plant I had been part of for three years. I had loved it! I had given 10h/week voluntarily to this project in Hamburg because I wanted to see this church plant become successful, where people would encounter Jesus and real forgiveness would take place.
It was a hip church. It was cool to go there. It was trying to be different, seeker sensitive, noisy and to a certain degree it was simply arrogant. I won´t name the church! But I was all in to see it become a church honouring Jesus.
As with church plants, everyone was trying to find their groove and I had made some great friends in there. There were trials and errors but I loved that we were experimenting. The wife of the pastor struggled with some of us stronger and maybe more gifted women and after a certain time we were reduced to some more menial tasks and were asked to be patient until this lady would have developed more. That was interesting but hey, everyone was young and cool.
One day I went into the office, Friday 13th February, and was greeted with serious faces. I was asked to sit down and listen to the pastor and his wife. They had a story to tell. They had asked God for weeks why the church would not grow more, why the church was struggling financially, why people left and God had given them three prophecies: One was about a person in church which needed to leave so that the church could flourish, one received the prophecy about a female member in church and one actually heard the name Evi. Adding this up, I needed to leave. I had about 60 minutes to clear my files on the computer, do a bit of a handover and then leave. My very good friend at that time did not even come and say goodbye to me because he was asked to not be present when this conversation would happen.
The couple “blessed” me with the verse: “If you will harm the church, God is going to destroy you.” Well, I was very sure that my God would not do such a thing, but nevertheless, I could not revert their decision. Two days later, everyone in this church got told, Evi was disobedient and therefore asked everyone not to have any further contact with me.
Though I cried my eyes out that weekend, I knew that this system was at fault and not me. I remember, a pastor friend coming by and blessing me while opening a bottle of champagne saying, “This is the best thing which could have happened to you”. You tried and served as best as you can but now you are out of this dysfunctional system, praise God.
Hard to tell if this was the best thing at that time but four years later, the whole church was closed down by the senior pastor and national movement leader because the Hamburg pastor had fallen in love with the worship leader and the consequences of it had caused a big church split.
I was out and certainly did not envy the church now having to deal with this. In response, the pastor had to leave the church, later got divorced and remarried a few years later, never again being in Christian ministry.
Fast forward, four months ago I found out, that this former pastor (only a year younger than me) was dying with cancer.
I experienced different emotions but foremost had real pity on him and his new family, on all that could have become but no longer would. In my heart, I wanted to see him being successful, being restored as a pastor etc. He was so very gifted but so off track these many years ago.
Pondering this a few days, I asked myself if I should write to him? So much time had passed and the story, though a sad ending for me, had no significance any longer. It surely had an effect on me back then and there were learnings I took away from this but thinking this through, I was more grateful for the things I had learned back then and held no grudges.
I decided to email him via his website and expressed how sorry I was to hear these news, that I wish him well, peace beyond understanding and God´s blessings. His response came immediately. He was so delighted to hear from me and thanked me for getting in touch. I responded and in doing so, I felt I was able to bring closure to this sad situation and maybe help him as well. I wondered what dying in peace might mean…
A few weeks later he sadly passed away. Last week I looked for a death notice and found a moving tribute from his senior consulting partner. Under there, multiple people had expressed their gratefulness for his investment into their lives, the impact he had had on them, what an incredible person he was …
I was so moved by the sheer expression of love towards this man who had once hurt myself and many others but by the grace of God became a better man and honestly became a huge blessing to many more.
I thank God for always again being a God of a second chance!