Sometimes you do stuff and your mood feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? Last week I had the joy of being invited to twice teach on the topic on how to lead yourself through challenging times for a church in Northern Germany and one for youth leaders in the UK, though for them with an emphasis on how to take care of yourself while you take care of young people.
Of course both were offered online. And this makes it so much harder. You can engage less with the audience and you know less how to pace the session. Can everyone follow? Do they see my heart? After the evening with the German church I did realize I should have offered slightly less content. I was a bit unforgiving with myself and went to bed with rather negative thoughts. It is one thing to say I gave my best but it could have been better. Eventually I adjusted emotionally and amended the slides for the youth leaders next day. I thought I will get this done greater. I was prepared and ready to go. Then the conference site failed me. I could not sign in as a speaker and while the moderator announced my workshop I was texting him wildly, “I am not in”. It took a few trials and a sign out / sign in to eventually be able to speak while then the Powerpoint presentation was not working. I needed the moderator to step in and share the slides. Meaning every so often I would say, “and now next slide please”. It was such a pain. I just wanted to drop the whole thing. How embarrassing! And then your thoughts start to wonder…
Yeah, right! It was rather self-fulfilling! I needed to really pull myself together to go ahead and say, “God, help me to lead through this challenging time”. Both sessions in the end got some lovely feedback for which I am very grateful. It was simply grace. But I had to deal with my grumpy self.
Sometimes your best will just be enough. I need to live with some of my sessions going absolutely brilliant while others I would rather delete from my memory. It is exactly at this point where I need to navigate myself through. Knowing that I have given my best and then needing to trust God to use my sometimes feeble and weak performances to still reach his goal. And even when I feel I messed up, God is not done. He can override our attempts.
In these moments I feel he whispers in my ear, “Evi, I only ask you to be faithful with what I have entrusted to you. And this is enough”.
PS: After a week I received an email from the British conference organizer apologizing for not having ticked the right boxes for me. The other one sent chocolate! 🙂